Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Ch..ch...changes - turn and meet the stranger...

I am making some changes. I have six or so weeks left to work and play in Labrador. We will be coming back here in the fall, one way or the other, but I feel it will be different than this time. I will undoubtedly have a day job and I won't be so gob-smacked with the contrast. That means changes, but you know I like them, right?

For the next six weeks I really want to do two things - I want to take the many poetry sketches I've made here and see what I can make of them. That is the most important thing. I sent off a poem to the CBC contest after working it for quite awhile. It was a fresh and new poem that seemed born of many other ones I sketched here. I don't know another word for what I did though sketch isn't quite right. I would like to say that there is a large project that has been nourished by me having my eyes and heart open to what is here in this very incredible place. So ...we'll see what shape it takes in the next six weeks.

The other project I want to finish is Bright Angel. I think it is nearly there but I want it all the way there. I'm not sure what it needs at this point - perhaps a pair of writer's eyes that aren't mine. I'm going to look at that and come up with a plan. Where I know I'd like to be with it in 6 weeks is to have something I feel completely good about sending out to agents and publishers.

To put it in child-bearing metaphor - the first project, the Labrador one, is unborn but conceived. I don't know what gender or even what sort of animal it is. The second I've taken through it's infancy and childhood - now it is time for it to be separate (though always loved) from me.

Also, I quit f***b**k. I did that for a number of reasons - it was taking up too much time and giving me lots of strokes but they were mostly the kind that fed my ego without pushing me to really do what I want to. I'm not blaming anyone who was kind to me while I was there - this is MY ego problem. The second reason is that I'm paranoid about it. I felt like I was willingly cooperating in something that I don't know enough about just because it was fun and easy and so on. Also, to top it all off, today someone posted something, a photo tagged with my name, from a person that I want no contact with. I don't want this person's eyes on anything to do with me and even though I had all the privacy settings that were reasonable to have on a social site, he got through. I felt I'd been careless with what is most precious to me - my life which I shared completely openly, my family, my heart even. This is a person who has criminally and deeply hurt someone close to me. I don't think I'm in danger, you understand, in fact I'm sure I'm not. I just wouldn't let this guy into my house so why into my life in this way? Doesn't make sense.

Here is a photo of what I've seen lately ...yep! A bunny on May 1st.


Margot Kinberg said...

Jan - Changes can be exciting, but they always mean re-thinking things. Sometimes that's unsettling. Still, Change is the only thing that doesn't change, so you have to roll with it.

I don't blame you about your FB decision. I'll miss your poetry, though. I hope you'll post some here.

And in the meantime, I love the 'photo.

Liza said...

I too hope you will consider sharing some of your poetry.

Kate Crisp said...

Well, I must say it's a bummer for me personally that you quit FB...I so enjoyed seeing your poems, pictures and all that...since I doubt I'll ever see you in person again (sigh)...it was great feeling a bit connected to you still albeit illusory I know. Ah well..impermanence. I'd like to say I'd stop by your blog but I'm one of those just 'too dang busy' types ..
Anyway, ...miss you! And hope you get done what you need to! I hear ya on that one...too much to do..too little time. xoxoxo.

Connie Moffit said...

Dear Jan, I'm with Kate. Your presence on Facebook was so nourishing to me, and I've followed you with such joy, feeling that there was still some heart-sharing possible despite all this distance and the years gone by and the constant time pressure for life's activities. And I like to think that you cared at least a bit about knowing what was going on with me, even if it was just as simple as reading an article about Roz Chast and thinking of you. Couldn't you just block the creep and come on back to u? Much love and longing, feeling the loss of you. XO, C.