Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Envy is a sin and I understand why

Envy hurts. It hurts every cell in the body. It causes faces to twist into ugliness and good thoughts to scurry and hide in its brilliant light - like they - good thoughts - are vermin and envy is the can of Raid. Envy exaggerates everything - makes small things big and little things small. I think it is a sin because of the harm it causes those who feel it and I suppose because of what it might make them do to relieve that agony.  I'm experiencing envy right now and I want it gone. I won't banish it though. I'll invite it in - poor frightened thing that it truly is - I'll make it tea and say 'there, there' to it. 'This will pass, dear Envy. You know it is from lack and not abundance that you rage so.' I tell it to call friends, and to remember what it feels like when I write something good and true. I remind it of why we write, we two, for envy is just my creative flame running amok. I don't want to call friends though. They will think I am petty and mean. I am this minute. I am petty and small with this green grief. Maybe it isn't the time to call friends who aren't feeling this awfulness and perhaps never do. Maybe I am small and mean. I wish I had my Anne Lamott book with me instead of it being in storage with all my other worry fetishes. She for sure understands jealousy and envy and the dark hour of petty rage. I will conjure her up and have tea with her. She'll say 'there, there'.

How are you?

7 comments:

KarenG said...

Oh I love this! I'm collecting writerly quotes on my website and I want to quote this! May I? Okay, I'm going to, thanks!

Jan Morrison said...

Sure Karen - let my pain be your umbrella! just joshing.

Liza said...

Oh my dear! You see it, you acknowledge it, and your humanness will make for better writing and deeper sensitivities in the future. Keep going! Enjoy your poetry class. Enjoy a walk by the sea. Take deep breaths of salt air and just keep on. That's all there is.

Jan Morrison said...

Thanks Liza - true dat! Just got back from the early morning walk with Hoagy and he doesn't seem to give a care about what other's accomplish. hmmm ...

Margot Kinberg said...

Jan - I know exactly what you mean by having to cope with this. I so admire you for confronting your "old friend Envy" and working to let it go. Thanks for the reminder that we are all human, but we are all capable of facing off against those weaker parts of us...

Patricia Stoltey said...

Those twinges of envy I sometimes feel when my writer friends do well are not so bad. The really sinful envy I feel, however, is the one that overwhelms me whenever I see Tina Turner on stage. Her voice and those glorious legs of hers just make me turn greener than The Hulk!

Jan Morrison said...

Hi Margot - eek though! I hate the feeling when it arrives unannounced (and it never arrives announced). It is completely horrible. I'm somewhat okay today though ... time!

Pat - oh that it were so ... I can't sing for beans though I'd put my legs up to Tina's - mine aren't as muscular but they're long and pretty damn nice! The good thing about having nice legs is that time doesn't ravage them like it does everything else.