Sunday, October 16, 2011

Dear Journal - am I deluding myself?

My NaBlo posts are in the form of letters to my journal about my revision process. Along the way, I'll include Home-Made Revision Workshop posts, and my Friday Challenges.




Dear Journal,


I know this isn't the first Wednesday of the month, therefore Insecure Writer posting day, but... 
I just feel sort of, kind of, somewhat, dodgy about my writing practice right now. This morning - today. Maybe it is because I spent the evening with my fella at a fete for a dear friend. Everyone there was talking about their trips to Europe and Australia and their renovations and their kids in private school and I got...feeling bad.  And in case you're wondering, no one was bragging or being fat-headed about any of this. They were simply reporting on their lives in an ordinary way as many of us hadn't seen each other in awhile. 
And they were interested in what I'd been up to, and were thrilled to hear how focussed I've been on my writing. None of them asked me if my fella and I had any trips planned (nope) or how our kids were making out in stooopid old regular school. I like my step-dot's school. It is good for the most part, and I don't think I'd send her to a private school even if we could afford it. I am my Scottish ancestor's child and I believe with all my heart on public education - if it isn't good enough, I need to work with other like-minded parents and educators to make it so. 
I would like to travel a little more freely though.
And so...to the revision process. This is where the problem I mentioned yesterday rears its ugly head. The problem of aggression and my lack of patience. I want to get a book published, not because I think it will make a great deal of difference in my $ life, I'm insecure not delusional, but because, on the social scene, it would make sense of my feckless seeming life. Ah, folks would exclaim, that's why she's suffering - for her art! And yes, it would make a difference to be published and suffering for my art. Otherwise, maybe I'm just plain crazy. Muttering away in my room about plots and revisions and all the correct buzz-words, but the poor dear never finishes anything - or if she does, it is of dubious value!


OK - got that out of my system. Now for the good news. Yesterday I did my two chapters. I walked with my pal. I sat and I did a wee wee bit of cleaning. I'm happy with the chapters I worked on, as I not only changed them from 1st to 3rd but I significantly changed some of them as to the changes I talked about yesterday. And it wasn't that hard. So, back at it today, Journal. Thanks for listening. You are swell!


Here's a photo from the walk...

4 comments:

Hart Johnson said...

I know EXACTLY that. I live in a wealthy community, and I have a lot of friends who have financially done better--they've been able to do things I haven't... And I always seem to feel on the defensive, when in reality, the only thing I've done 'wrong' was not marrying for money. My own income has always been respectable, but I fell in love with, and so married, a guy who has some issues related to income. But I can't SAY that--they would think he was lazy--he's not--he was primary parent for years, and now works full time. He just doesn't have the book stuff that would have made college a go. And for years, didn't have the UMPH to pick something ELSE to get trained for (began with wanting to be a rock star and nothing else measured up, but over the years, the feelings of inability compounded it). TWO incomes of my size and we would be good to go. One... not so much.

Jan, the writing WILL hit. You will be the one your friends brag about 'my friend Jan is an author'. I know you don't really care about that... exactly... except that it DOES sometimes seem to matter in those busy places.

Liza said...

It's so hard NOT to compare ourselves to others. When I'm feeling that way, I think of all the things you'd miss if my life were different and it helps me recall how good I have it. No trips for me either...

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

We can suffer for our art together. ;)
I relate entirely.

Danette said...

Hi Jan, yup I can relate too. I don't expect that my writing will ever be on the best seller list- it's not best seller material but it's tiring not be 1. be finished (I've been working on it forever!) and 2. haven't even gotten a bite on a short story of it! just rejections. I don't have traveling friends so much- different income levels but the pressure is still there to show something for the labor.