Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Insecure Writers' Support Group and The Writers' Prayer

Don't you feel all fresh and vigorous after your holiday? You, you over there with kitty litter in your hair? You been sleeping off a thousand shortbread cookies and couldn't stumble to your bed? You watched Bad Santa and thought the main character had some redeeming factors? You came off your sugar high, your post-apocalyptic, I can manage both my creative life, my $ life, my dysfunctional home life and the Boxing Day sales? Is that an ereader sitting underneath your plastic 'seasonal' tree and you too exhausted to figure out how to download fifty thousand FREE books? 


Did you open up your current wip file and have a look at what you were feverish about before Xmas and peruse it? Did it look like codswaddle to you? Did you have to look up codswaddle? Do you wish you could write a whole NEW book based on the word 'codswaddle'? 


Well then, come on in and sit down. The meeting's about to begin.
My name is Jan and I'm a freaked-out writer. I'm terrified to tell my pelvic affiliate that I have wasted the last twelve years of my life pursuing an empty meaningless dream. 
I cannot learn to play the accordion! 
Oh, the other one...well, I'm not giving up that one yet. I still have some fight in me about being a writer. I still BELIEEEEEEEVE! Jimmy Swaggert just came over and thucked me on the forehead. NO, I said THucked me - you know - with the heel of his hand. And now I'm lying on the floor, stars spinning in a slow constellation above me while I type out these words. 


That reminds me. When I was in grade 9 I learned to type in typing class with Mr. Cunningham. He hated me. Why? Because I would only learn to TYPE, not to justify, not to set up a proper business letter - NO - only to type words because I was going to be a WRITER not a secretary. It was 1966 or something like that. I got a 50 which I proudly took home to my parents. "See, I'm a writer - I can type. I'm not going to be a secretary so don't even think about that." No worries, said my parents, wouldn't even consider it. Thought you were going to be a veterinarian? I huffed out of the living room, my head held high.


And that my dear fellow sufferers is the truth. The truth is what I write. Day in and day out. So, without moving from wherever you are, join in the Writers' Prayer.
Oh Generic Entity, please look upon me, your humble servant in something or rather and grant me your boon. (what is a boon? oh never mind, you know, you're the great generic entity) Grant me the resilience to withstand the slings and arrows of those who would wish me to do other than I would wish me to do - that is get a real job and quit going on and on about being a writer. Give onto me the ability to sit down and write in a clear and engaging style after playing four hundred and thirty-nine games of Frozen Bubbles. Please allow me to continue in my wondrous deluded state and produce reams of prose so stunning as to...well, stun people, especially that guy from my old high school days who thinks he's so smart just because he's had twelve books published. Thank you in advance...and speaking of advance let my advance rain down upon my humble head in great swarths of luminous moolah.
Feel free to modify to suit your own needs. 
See you at next month's meeting of The Insecure Writer's Support Group! (go to link for more members)

20 comments:

Elizabeth Spann Craig/Riley Adams said...

Love this, Jan! Glad you didn't take Mr. Cunningham's thoughts to heart!

Miranda Hardy said...

I cheated in my high school typing class. Lol Great post!

Emma said...

You're zany. Love your post and I'm gonna tell my man he's a pelvic affiliate to see what he makes of that. I guess I can find some of your stuff out there somewhere....

Siv Maria said...

Love the prayer. I remember those old fashioned typewriters I miss the sound of the clang, and the smell of ink on the ribbons. Happy New Year Jan!

Liza said...

My 9th grade typing teacher was Miss Parker...

I'm laughing Jan. Thank you!

M.J. Fifield said...

What a fantastic post! I love the writer's prayer. I shall recite it every day and night.

I can't learn to play the accordion either.

Cherie Reich said...

Such a great post! It definitely made me smile. :)

I had a six week keyboarding course in middle school. I think we just learned typing and nothing about formatting a letter or anything like that. I do remember we had to create hearts and shapes from letters repeated in certain areas of the word doc. That was neat.

Yeah, I can't play the accordion either, although I think we have one in the basement.

Elspeth Antonelli said...

I didn't even learn typing until after high school - and my dad was a typing teacher. I'm such a rebel.

Tasha Seegmiller said...

Okay, this just made my day. What a great post to read when finding your blog. Can't wait to see what's next - new follower :)

Carol Kilgore said...

I'm still smiling. I actually laughed out loud at the first sentence. Great post.

Clarissa Draper said...

How needed! Thank you.

Now, must rid kitty litter from my hair.

Kathleen Doyle said...

Pure genius!
I learned to type in sixth grade. I had to take a special class because I was horrid on the math part of ISTEP the year before. I didn't care too much about the math part of the class, but after every time we finished a lesson, we got to learn to type with more than just our index fingers. It was the highlight of my middle grade years=)

kelworthfiles said...

I did okay in typing class, though it took me a while to cure myself of the habit of looking at the keys instead of the paper/screen. I'm glad that I nailed it. We didn't have to format letters, that I remember - but this was the late eighties or so.

In fact, if it weren't for typing, I could never be a writer - the act of composing a story is always 'fingers on keyboard' for me. In fact, I'm doing a Holly Lisle lesson that absolutely requires me to scrawl notes in ballpoint on 4*6" index cards, and even that much handwriting seems to sap the energy out of me.

Good luck with all of your writing this month!

Donna Hole said...

Amen :)

That was a lot of fun and gave me a lift to my evening.

Thanks Jan.

.......dhole

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Jan, that was hilarious! Now I'm interested in this codswaddle book.

Damon said...

what a greaaat post love your blog =) follow

Miriam Forster said...

Codswaddle is such a great word. Also, I own an accordion! I've never played it, but I own it...

develop ipad apps said...

Hi Jan! I love your blog and your ideas. Your post is hilarious. Thank you for making us smile today.

Hart Johnson said...

I love your refusal to even consider the secretary thing and LOVE the prayer!

Talli Roland said...

Ah ha ha ha ha! I love your humour, Jan! And your typing story. :) Hang in there.

Sorry I missed you, too - this trip was pretty action-packed! I think you need to come to London. :)