tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post5706915844889229595..comments2024-03-21T06:28:32.373-03:00Comments on Jan Morrison: Show Me The Voice - critique blogfestJan Morrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01771180344305042855noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-43675539985079165992011-03-22T16:14:30.722-03:002011-03-22T16:14:30.722-03:00Good opening full of inherent drama and barely exp...Good opening full of inherent drama and barely expressed rage. It'd be better if you mention the hospitalisation of Palmer in the first paragraph, to provide a hook for the reader (why is he ill? But why is his wife throwing bowls at him?)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-5852359492182090172011-03-22T12:58:35.364-03:002011-03-22T12:58:35.364-03:00This hooked me in with the first sentence. You'...This hooked me in with the first sentence. You've painted a vivid picture and I can literally see your character, lounging on the sun porch with those gorgeous rose and bird pillows behind her head. I want to know more! Beautiful job :D Good luck with the contest!<br /><br />JenJenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06683486631901017529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-37878215603260085232011-03-22T11:02:59.929-03:002011-03-22T11:02:59.929-03:00Jan-- all commas aside, I appreciate your writerly...Jan-- all commas aside, I appreciate your writerly flow with your MC, her asides, laughed out loud at Palmer banging away at online solitaire (before I knew there was something wrong with him), & your hints are just enough to keep me wanting to know more. If you have an editor (lucky you), then does she not like (current pc-lit) double em-dashes, hyphens (bird-festooned) and closed up spaces? Sorry, my editorial boringness showing. It's a great entry. I came in at the end, so see all the amending you did. Good luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-1349121446318760182011-03-21T15:12:43.379-03:002011-03-21T15:12:43.379-03:00Popping back in to answer your question: although ...Popping back in to answer your question: although I'm extremely Texan and totally proud of it, I grew up with all things LM Montgomery. <br /><br />My heroine in SPITFIRE is also from Texas, but moves to PEI at the beginning of the novel--a stressful thing which causes her to set her bed on fire. ;)<br /><br />I just love PEI. Nova Scotia is absolutely breathtaking, too! I'm a teeny bit jealous--I'd love to travel there sometime. When I have money, of course. Graduate school is expensive.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06089845691023125664noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-25303055861944965602011-03-21T14:16:55.047-03:002011-03-21T14:16:55.047-03:00Hello! I think you have a voice and skill for desc...Hello! I think you have a voice and skill for descriptions. I am a bit confused though that Palmer is her husband at first. I'm not sure I need a description of the bowl beyond "bendy plastic" on the first page, if you know what I mean. I think the action of her throwing it and being confused about what is going on is what sucked me in about the character. Good Luck : )Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-72202926886383054102011-03-21T14:12:52.637-03:002011-03-21T14:12:52.637-03:00My blog url:
http://ramblingsfromtheleft.wordpres...My blog url: <br />http://ramblingsfromtheleft.wordpress.com/<br /><br />No problem, interior is a great change of pace from what we have been getting lately. Good luck and thanks for visiting my blog.<br /><br />I must read the rest of the post on teenager telling you about a movie ... my daughter would give me such vivid and long-winded details, I thought I'd lose my mind before she finished.<br /><br />I'll keep in touch your blog.fOIS In The Cityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06347958777030988677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-80472503726746717612011-03-21T12:41:32.765-03:002011-03-21T12:41:32.765-03:00Hi Florence - I'm not sure because I couldn...Hi Florence - I'm not sure because I couldn't get to your blog or site by this link. I knew a Florence from Ottawa many years ago - is that possible?<br />Thanks for your comments - yep, it is wordy and I guess that is partly my style - it is a quite interior book - no zombies or vampires or car chases either! Ha!Jan Morrisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01771180344305042855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-41616447540823210752011-03-21T12:22:35.654-03:002011-03-21T12:22:35.654-03:00Jan, I am trying to remember how I know you. Not i...Jan, I am trying to remember how I know you. Not important. Love your voice and this beginning works for me.<br /><br />It might be a bit too wordy, but being a wordy person myself, I can't always judge.<br /><br />This is a story I would be interested in reading. Good luck :)fOIS In The Cityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06347958777030988677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-61079565118867557542011-03-21T08:34:33.692-03:002011-03-21T08:34:33.692-03:00Thanks all - I especially thank you, Trisha, for t...Thanks all - I especially thank you, Trisha, for taking such care with your comments. And any help with commas is appreciated. Of course, I absolutely can't retain any rules about commas - I know this to be true!<br />So, I will go back and work it for today's folks to see! And of course, continue my perusal of the other entries. Yay!<br />THANKS A BUNCH!Jan Morrisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01771180344305042855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-36351256050933489702011-03-21T05:55:50.201-03:002011-03-21T05:55:50.201-03:00I think you have a good chance of winning. You don...I think you have a good chance of winning. You don't blurt out anything exciting at the very first, you hint at it. I like that a lot.Glynis Jollyhttp://www.musingsbyglynis.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-12012050824766599872011-03-21T05:20:27.213-03:002011-03-21T05:20:27.213-03:00I love how this begins!
Here are my crits:
Parag...I love how this begins!<br /><br />Here are my crits:<br /><br />Paragraph two moves between past and present tense, which would be fine if the part in present tense is always true. i.e. if the sun porch is always quiet and the morning light always soft, year-round, you can get away with present tense. But if sometimes it's not quiet out there, and sometimes not soft-lighted, and you're just talking about this particular day, then it should be past tense like the rest of the paragraph.<br /><br />The first line of paragraph three, the part following the comma, needs a little alteration, and the way I see it you have 2 options:<br /><br />1. "I stretched out on the old daybed, plumping the rose and bird festooned pillows behind me[add a comma here] and considered for the umpteenth time the words my mother might have used to counsel me."<br /><br />2. "I stretched out on the old daybed, plumping the rose and bird festooned pillows behind me and consider[ing] for the umpteenth time the words my mother might have used to counsel me."<br /><br />Either change will make it a better-flowing sentence.<br /><br />In the 3rd sentence of para 3, I would add a comma after "before he got here". As it is the sentence is a bit 'run-on'.<br /><br />Also in para 3 you're moving between present and past tense again. Stick to one.<br /><br />All in all, you've painted a fascinating family scene and I'm curious about why Palmer was in hospital, and what made our MC throw the bowl at him. Is he an annoying/spoiled little brother? So yeah, I'd want to read on :)Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-89549643968291845442011-03-20T22:59:30.189-03:002011-03-20T22:59:30.189-03:00Oh, I love how almost everyone has caught on to my...Oh, I love how almost everyone has caught on to my comma dislexia. All relax - I have a line editor awaiting - she knows that inherent problem! Too many,,,, or not enough at all.Jan Morrisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01771180344305042855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-74898272612971006322011-03-20T22:58:29.090-03:002011-03-20T22:58:29.090-03:00The passage works well for me, Jan. My only nit is...The passage works well for me, Jan. My only nit is that she calls it a minor rage when she'd have been just as happy throwing a glass bowl. We can certainly feel her frustration...Can he?Bob Sanchezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08350825385315155962noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-54777668355834937792011-03-20T21:13:20.965-03:002011-03-20T21:13:20.965-03:00Nice! I can feel her frustration, her love and her...Nice! I can feel her frustration, her love and her longing for better. Not easy to do in so few words - well done!Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-18521843776717662122011-03-20T20:24:19.326-03:002011-03-20T20:24:19.326-03:00Oh wow, this is fantastic. I would add a comma af...Oh wow, this is fantastic. I would add a comma after "mind you", but the conflict and the writing are both great.Gina Cioccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18024256412233972412noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-39513563513900649352011-03-20T19:16:29.680-03:002011-03-20T19:16:29.680-03:00You have a great voice here, I love it. It really ...You have a great voice here, I love it. It really captures my attention and leaves me wanting more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-8793276346145549852011-03-20T18:18:21.431-03:002011-03-20T18:18:21.431-03:00This comment has been removed by the author.Faith Prayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09711135740295281493noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-9424560197870466662011-03-20T18:18:18.077-03:002011-03-20T18:18:18.077-03:00I love it! I want to know more about Palmer, and y...I love it! I want to know more about Palmer, and your MC. I hope we get to hear more later. Best wishes on the contest!Faith Prayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09711135740295281493noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-79383414872020441032011-03-20T18:04:21.465-03:002011-03-20T18:04:21.465-03:00Hi Jan,
Love how you're teasing us with somet...Hi Jan,<br /><br />Love how you're teasing us with something, but not spilling deets. There seems to be a tense thing happening in the second para, so you might want to revisit. Also, no apostraphe in Cheerios. <br /><br />I love how I'm full of questions about your characters. I want to read more!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07754229648422848542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-61109939739892611372011-03-20T16:39:35.823-03:002011-03-20T16:39:35.823-03:00Thanks everyone! All advice is duly noted. The lin...Thanks everyone! All advice is duly noted. The line between info-dump and keeping people in the dark is a nerve-wracking tight-rope AND I will do my best to walk it without leaning too far either side...Jan Morrisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01771180344305042855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-31217363114449801852011-03-20T15:27:56.247-03:002011-03-20T15:27:56.247-03:00Wow! This is super...The only advice I can give y...Wow! This is super...The only advice I can give you is that I don't know the mc's name. In an agent critique I did at a conference she said that was really important to share as soon as possible.Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-17883394502050624802011-03-20T15:12:40.293-03:002011-03-20T15:12:40.293-03:00I love the voice! I can heard and feel her rage an...I love the voice! I can heard and feel her rage and her calm quiet afterward. I also sensed the place. Great!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12160669603997465454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-84958388697951049242011-03-20T15:07:11.643-03:002011-03-20T15:07:11.643-03:00Like everyone else, I like how you started this of...Like everyone else, I like how you started this off. Immediately it draws in the reader and makes us wonder exactly why she's throwing the bowl at him. And what happened afterwards? How did he react? I didn't realize that Parker was her husband until the end of the third paragraph. Perhaps you could stick in a line or so to give us a little more of the present? <br /><br />How you ended the second paragraph is very strong. The only thing I want is to have more of the story (what happened to Parker to make him this way, what's wrong with him, etc), but that's more out of curiosity rather than anything that's wrong with this excerpt. Great job starting it though!Jennhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16796597536718545426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-11245130420638470882011-03-20T14:33:24.353-03:002011-03-20T14:33:24.353-03:00Fantastic opening. The whole first paragraph is j...Fantastic opening. The whole first paragraph is just brilliant.<br /><br />Good work with the changing tense too. It flows naturally and isn't confusing. <br /><br />I found the third paragraph less gripping. It feels a little telling and this line : I needed to figure out how to move through this part of my life – the part that follows Palmer’s accident of eight months ago. felt clunky and is in the wrong tense. Maybe try something like: 'I need to figure out how to move through this part of my life - the part following Palmer's accident. Was it only 8 months ago?'<br /><br />Love the line about confusing the wedding with marriage!Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2722012954806248529.post-61429155114948707642011-03-20T14:24:20.733-03:002011-03-20T14:24:20.733-03:00I love the lyricism in this excerpt! You've go...I love the lyricism in this excerpt! You've got such a beautiful style that a few clauses, like "the part that follows Palmer's accident of eight months ago", seemed a bit clinical to me. A bit telling, rather than showing. <br /><br />But they're such minor things, and like I say, that line only popped out to me because you render everything else so beautifully!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06089845691023125664noreply@blogger.com